Saturday, June 21, 2003

Today I got up and went over to visit with Charles. We went to the comic book store (new Fables was out) and then went to lunch. Talking with him made me realize a few things. Chiefly:
1) I need to find a way to have a break from the inside of my head. That's what doping and boozing used to be for. But no more, no more. I have to come up with something else. Something what won't destroy my liver. Like swing dancing or politcal protests or LARPs or Jesus or any of the other things people use to that end.
2) I need a closure type of thing. Like a trip or a ritual or something. Something that marks an ending and a new beginning. Right now Niss and I are both dragging our heels on getting out of this and over this.

Oh, and Nissa bought me a copy of the new Harry Potter. I'm not hard core into the series, but I've read and enjoyed the first four. I certainly didn't expect to have the new one within 24 hours of its release. Now I have to finish the Lord Alfred Douglas biography quickly I suppose. That'll be a strange shift of material, eh what?

Spent the evening with Nissa. I'm still very confused. In the course of the evening I went from asking to get back together to wishing she'd move far away a few times. She says I'm doing as well as can be expected. I feel like I'm all over the map and looped.
Of course, I'm certain she's just as confused as I am. She's in my bed sleeping right now. Nothing went on. Not even a kiss. But she's here for the night. I'm still going back and forth emotionally over all of this. It's been a week since the break up.
Tomorrow I'm going to go out and do something fun without her. I dunno what. Any ideas?

Friday, June 20, 2003

Walking on my way back from the Post Office this morning, a man on a bicycle rode past me. He had a long, stringy, grey beard and looked like he had all of his worldly possessions strapped to the bicycle. You know the type. I saw him u-turn way out in the middle of the street and stop on the curb to pick something up.
He came up with a crow's feather and tied it to his bike bell so that it stuck straight up. I couldn't help but smiling with delight. He said, "I saw the crow's feather and I had to stop for it. They're my favorite bird."
I told him it looked really cool.
He said, "They're smart too. Kaw Kaw. Krra krrra. Kaw Kaw Kaw. Krrra krrrra."
And he rode away crow calling.
I thought to myself, why did I ever used to drive to the post office?

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Suitably ugly experience trying to drop off Instagon fliers at the Ugly Mug Cafe in Orange tonight. This is a teaser. I'll relate the experience tomorrow. Why anybody goes to that place with one of the most unpleasant men in the county running it is beyond me. Chapman students should just take a weeks worth of coffee money and buy themselves a coffee maker. Or get their rich parents to buy it for them. Okay, I probably could have told the story in the amount of time it took to write this, so I'm going to sign off now.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. There were some tense and uncomfortable moments to be certain. I think the best moment of the night was during dinner when I let her know that I wanted her to be able to figure out who she is. She teared up and we felt like best friends I think for the first time since before last Friday night.
We played card games with Charles, Phish and Sean for a while.
The worst moment for me was when we parted. I think she knows this. I didn't want to lose kissing goodbye when we broke up. This is not for sexual reasons. I mean, I'd like to have a male friend who I was close enough to kiss hello and goodbye to. She kisses the side of my mouth now. Knowing full well that I'm getting better at dealing with all of this, it still feels like an emotional demotion. In fact, that's kind of my problem with the whole deal. It's like an emotional demotion.
But whatever. It's not my decision by any means and everybody knows it. I mean, if it were up to me, we'd not only kiss at parting, but we wouldn't have broken up. Duh.

Anyway, I don't see her until this weekend anyway.
The rest of this week might be odd for me and not seeing her has nothing to do with it. I only have one order to go out tomorrow, so I may put it off until Thursday. I do have to bank and I'm going to try and let Andy and I scratch each other's backs. He's going to Oregon and needs cash. He's got the diggity dank books. I'm gonna go check it out tomorrow.

It's like my sunburn. It's fading slowly, much more slowly than I'd like and sometimes it stings more than others for some reason. I got a burgundy sunburn while working on my bizzaro paint by number the other day.
I'm reluctant to say this because I know that Nissa has been reading this with zeal since the break up, but I seem to take a few steps backward each time she calls me. Having said that, I don't want her to stop calling by any means. Last night she was cranky and tired and I'm still trying to deal with this. She snapped at me a little. Her understanding of and compassion toward my inner turmoil and subsequent inane babbling appears to be limited. It's tough because she, obviously, came to terms with the fact that we're broken up before she told me. I'm still coming to terms with it. So I seem to be slow in coming to terms from her perspective when really I'm moving at a normal pace.
I feel pretty good right now. I had a dream that I was walking around with Boingo's bell strapped to me somewhere and I was worried that he would kill a bunch of birds because he didn't have his bell. I woke up thinking about a girl I had a crush on before Niss and I got together and wistfully wondering how difficult it would be to track her down. So the crawl toward seeking out the next one begins. Not to say that I'm going to track that old crush down. But I'm thinking about other girls now and that's a good sign. It beats my previous relationship where I went from an eight month relationship with a girl named Amy Farley to a two year relationship with a guy named Jack Daniels.
Tonight I see Niss for the first time since the break. I don't imagine it will be on the sunny side of comfortable, but I look forward to it anyway.

I've been listening to Elvis. It's strange because I never listen to that kind of thing. I usually listen to Phish and the Dead, old timey music (Jolson, Leon Redbone, Squirrel Nut Zippers, and so forth) or art fag music (Eno, Laurie Anderson, Philip Glass, et al.) I bought an Elvis album and it's just about right for where I'm at right now.

Sunday, June 15, 2003

I said to her that it was like the last two Tom Waits albums, Blood Money and Alice. I bought them and listened to them for a long time over and over waiting to get over the hump to where I thought they were awesome albums. I didn't want to admit that they weren't great albums because Mule Variations and Bone Machine were so beyond the pale genius. I knew somewhere inside that the two new albums weren't very good by Tom Waits standards. But if I admitted that, a part inside of me would die. The part that knew that all of my Waits collection was amazing (except Blue Valentines maybe.) My world view would have to shift into a little more cynical of a world view. And I fought it.
I told her that's what I've been doing with seeing our relationship coming to an end.

I still love her. She's my best friend. But somehow that's not enough for her.

I know that I went through denial and anger before she broke up with me. I certainly went through bargaining while she was breaking up with me. Bad news: I'm in depression right now which seems to have manifested in the form of overactivity. Good news: acceptance is supposed to come next.

Why do lonely men and women want to break each other's hearts?

I don't know when I'll come back to this blog regularly. I hate posting like this. I hate it when I read like Strong Sad.

I'm working on a paint by numbers out in the back yard and I've changed all of the colors so that ocean blue is replaced with hot pink and so on. It's a picture of an 1800's style boat on fire. There. So you know I'm still silly.