Saturday, June 07, 2003

Oh, and the other big news of the day is that I sold a hundred dollars worth of books today. That breaks my record. If things keep going like this, I'll probably be able to pay rent and keep the business going all from the profits of this business possibly by this fall. I mean, RPM Books is just exploding out all over.
Last night I went to a good poetry reading. In fact, it was one of the best ones I've been to in a long time. There was a small open reading and two featured poets and not a single poem was a clunker all evening.
The features were Charles Ardinger and Daniel McGuinn. The reading was the Laguna Poets reading. I grew up on that reading. It's been years since I'd been there. It's held in a bank now.

Today I helped Nissa move more stuff out of here old place back to her parents. I spent the second half of the day alone, bouncing around the house like a rat in a shoebox.

Everyone should go to the Liquid Den in Huntington Beach tomorrow night and see the Frank Moore show. It starts at 8:30. Dr. Oblivious will be playing in the band. And it's Frank Moore, so it's bound to be freaky good fun.

Thursday, June 05, 2003

When I was in high school, I knew a girl named Jessica Mathias. I had a crush on her because she was kind of weird looking and was a convincing enough pseudo-intellectual to fool a fifteen year old me. Her personality rhymed with "witch." But, sucker for the unobtainable, I really dug her.
She used to say things to me on the phone like, "If you don't say something interesting, I'm going to hang up."
But she took me to see Allen Ginsberg at Chapman University. That evening changed my life. First of all, Jessica ditched me to make out with some sleazy college guy and I realized that I was far too good of a human being for her scene. I think that may have been the last time I hung out with her. Second, Ginsberg awakened something in me that got me interested in sexual experimentation, which lead to some pretty muddy and strange imprinting experiences in the years to follow. Third, I ended up going to Chapman because I thought it was so cool for having Ginsberg there (I also saw Ray Bradbury there) and because my parents had met there and the theater program looked decent.
Jessica used to spout off asinine, shallow statements about literature that she thought were clever or shocking. She used to say, "Oscar Wilde couldn't write his way out of a wet paper bag." But, when pressed, she could produce no examples of what would make her say such a thing.
Nissa tells me that, especially early on in our relationship but I still do it sometimes, I would seem like I was in an intellectual contest with myself and the rest of the world. I was a little pompous with how I would flaunt my knowledge. And I was forever forcing myself forward into the next "great classic" of literature, film or music. I still do that last one, but I don't make such a big fuss about it anymore. Anyway, we realized that all of that "my brain's bigger than yours" thing was me trying to make myself better than Jessica Mathias. To show up that little twerp in spades as far and as much as I could. To become the intellectual giant you see before you who could get Jessica Mathias' whole universe caught in the treads of my shoes as I walk past.
Realizing that I was doing this made me knock all of that off because it was silly. I was still searching for the approval of a girl who had snubbed me in my childhood.

Well, today I read "The Canterville Ghost."
Jessica Mathias was stupid.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Yesterday I visited grandpa. I took him donut holes. He's much further gone that the last time I saw him. Before we would exchange glances at a few things he'd say in passing conversation. Now it's clear that he has dementia.

Last night I went minature golfing with Chas, Phish, Sean, Niss and I. We had fun.

This morning I did something good. I walked to the post office. It was about a forty minute walk, which is about a five to ten minute drive. It wasn't that bad and I'll do it again.

This afternoon Nissa and I had a heated discussion on the fate of "us" in reference to the changes coming up in her life. We seemed to conclude that we want different things right now but that neither of us wants to break up with the other. So we're in a screwy, up in the air kind of place. I think that a lot of that decision will hinge on this job in the bay area that she's up for. I don't know which way the hinges will turn though.

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

But I don't know. On the other hand, maybe I can't expect to ever find real peace if I can't find it in one of the more disturbing places on earth. Maybe if I can't find it inside of myself here, I can't expect to find it on the mountain.
Now, I stand by the statement that there's a contagious arrogance in Orange County that's most disgusting. And I also stand by the concept that I don't want to live in Orange County much longer. But I'm writing this second blog here because while the county might be evil, when I become evil in the county that's my fault. That's my problem and blaming it on the county is a cop out. It's an awareness problem that I've got to overcome. I guess I've got some more work to do.
There's a dark energy that hangs over Orange County. It effects all of the inhabitants, touching their souls with its negativity. It works on me all of the time. I used to think it was the drugs, then I thought it was my parent's negativity rubbing off on me. I even thought we might have some kind of black mold in our house that was making my head dwell in ugly places. Now I think it could be the location (probably a little of all four said reasons actually.)
I could speculate on what exactly "IT" is in this county of the damned, but I'm sure it's a mess of elements. This is also not to say that other places aren't just as twisted. When Nissa and I were in Berkeley, there was some rich white lady behind us who kept honking and finally swerved around us quickly because Niss wouldn't pull out into oncoming traffic. I remember thinking, "Okay, so the pushy buttholes aren't all in OC."
That's probably more of a city thing. A "no contact with nature" thing.
No, there's a kind of arrogance to OC life that I don't see (and get) in places like San Francisco or New York or Portland or New Orleans or Minneapolis or Sacramento or London or any of the other big cities I've spent time in.
In Orange County I swear and get angry a lot, which I know are not in my natural patterns. I know that when I get out and get in touch with my body and my mind's true will I don't swear, I'm generally kind and gentle and I promote life. Outside of OC I don't have sinus problems. That's because the LA and OC area form a perfect bowl to fill with smog. So, I think that my plan should have two prongs. The first would be to spend some time in a place where I can find my true patterns, where I can see God clearly. Then I should move to a place where I can make money with a used bookstore, preferably a college town that's not too urban. Find the peace inside and stick with it.
I don't want to grow up into an OC person.

Sunday, June 01, 2003

Reading: Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television by Jerry Mander
Watching: Torch Song Trilogy (am I alone in thinking that Harvey really looked like Bill Graham in this film?)
Listening To: in house: Laurie Anderson "Bright Red"
in car: Phranc "I Enjoy Being A Girl"
Today was a little sucky. I went to Nissa's yard sale to help her move heavy things. I ended up spending most of the day sitting and keeping out of the way. She was very tired and gets kind of hard to be around when she's very tired.
I came home and ate a heavy dinner of sausage because that's all there is to eat. I hardly ate any meat on the SF trip and I've noticed that my stomach is a little less convex now than when we left. So tomorrow I'm going to Mother's and buying myself a bunch of sustaining things what ain't got meats in 'em.
Tonight I went to see Chas and Phish, which didn't suck. It was pretty cool. Charles was used as an example of a good student in one of his college classes. He also had an assignment where everyone in the class were supposed to synthesize the themes of four major authors. But Charles, as a master student, had the assignment of then synthesizing the themes of the other students synthesises.
I finally finished pricing the books I aquired over the SF trip.