Tuesday, May 06, 2003

So tomorrow I'm going to drive for nine hours to Chico alone to visit my brother and his family for the weekend. The good news is that I found the Ani Difranco album where she's a fish on the cover. So I've got `A Mighty Wind' and that to trick my ears tomorrow. Like a fool I'll probably listen to both before I get over the grapevine.
Speaking of which, I'm concerned about my car getting over the grapevine. It's a '92 Buick Crapbox. We'll see. You'll see if I don't write for a week or if I write tomorrow about how I got towed and picked up from far away by a loved one.
Well, that's about all. I'm going to konk out pretty soon here. I'll be back next Tuesday, God willing.

Monday, May 05, 2003

Alright. Now there's seems to be a political cartoon where my blog used to be. God bless free websites!
It's strange how some days I can have as buttoned down of a mind as Bob Newhart. Other days I teeter on the brink, ready for the slightest turmoil to push me over, wringing my hands over fear of my emotional imbalances. Other days the inside of my head tends to feel a lot like "the day after" from my LSD days.
Today was one of those middle days. It didn't have to be, but often I can't claw my way out of the beginnings of days. Sometimes the mood of the whole day is set in the first half hour out of bed. My grandmother was over this morning. My grandmother can be one of the most negative and spiteful human beings I've ever met. Not spiteful to me at all at all, but spiteful towards everything else. I took her home, fixed her fire alarm, and left thinking, "Okay, let it all go now. You don't want to have a bad day."
Well, it wasn't a good day, in spite of the fact that I shipped off four middle price range books and I got a lot of reading done. It's a reoccuring conversation that Nissa and I keep having about how people who are supposed to be loved ones planting things in your head that hurt, trip up or just plain depress you.
I was thinking the other day about myself. My friend Sean says that I'm probably the most balanced person he knows. I like to smile and make people happy. I like to have fun. I'd rather be a pleasant person than an unpleasant person. I wanna be like Father Mucahy. But some days I swear like a sailor or I feel like I'm losing my mind (which, by the way, I realize that if I'm thinking that, I'm probably okay because my checks and balances are still functioning) or I talk crap on things that I don't really feel that opposed to or I don't want to leave my house and spend time with other people because that might actually cheer me up. This all goes against my nature, which is pleasant and balanced. My mother has this same problem, but she goes down the negative road much much farther than I'm willing to. Her mom, my aforementioned grandmother, is, to recap, one of the most negative people I know. My maternal grandfather, who is interred at the Fairhaven cemetary, was one of the most positve, pleasant and balanced people I can think of.
Needless to say, I'm going to try and be very careful what I pass on to my children (if any.) Nissa said that she doesn't want to have children until (and even then it's a maybe) we get all of our neurotic crap sorted out. I agree. I don't want all of this inside of me and I certainly don't want to transfer it onto others.
This was a much longer description of the tone of the day than I had planned. Sorry.
Tonight I went to the cd store to treat myself to something new. You see, I'm trying to get some new music for the nine hour drive up to Chico on Wednesday and it'll probably be best if I have some music that I don't know forwards and backwards. In keeping with the topics of the past two days, I was looking for the Ani Difranco album where she's a fish on the cover. I knew it was her lighter album and, while I love all of her work and I've been recommended by Dr.Oblivious `To the Teeth,' I thought it might be wise to find music bearing in mind that I might be listening to it for the first time after I've been on the barren 5 freeway for seven hours. I don't want something that will make me want to turn into a telephone pole.
They didn't have it.

Also, I'm looking for contemporary female authors that I'll like. In high school I liked Kathy Acker (I know, I've always been a freak) but I read all of her works. Ursula K LeGuin might be one for me to look into. But, once again, the stream dries up pretty quickly because the great ones just aren't being published.
I don't like anything Oprah's ever read. Most authors of both genders are currently pandering to that mindset.

But there's an artform that's just now emerging that has the potential to be fresh and energetic because it's still below the radar. It's still only for a certain crowd, but those in the know are aware that there are great things a-poppin' in this medium. I'm talking about comic books.
If you're a young, aspiring, countercultural female author, my advice is to start writing comic books. The novel seems to be about in the same state at the stage play right now.