Wednesday, December 24, 2003

I don't understand why things get so heightened when you're an adult. It's really hard to enjoy these days of the year because responsibilities compound on top of work, which even during the rest of the year tends to take up 75% to 95% of your energy when you're an adult. No wonder I've never grown up.
When I woke up, about forty minutes too early, I had one order to go out. "How dumb" I thought. I ended up taking a crock pot to my mom who needed it at her work for some reason and then rushed to the post office because I figured that it would either be empty or teeming. It was the former.
I came home and there was one more order to go out. "How dumb" I thought. That one was so dumb that it's just going to wait until Friday. I've been really good at getting all the other orders this year out quickly. Scroom. Friday's fast enough.
Then I had a credit card bill larger than I'd remembered, a mess of paperwork for my loan, and figuring out when I should schedual my traffic school date. Plus the usual work and my grandmother getting under foot. I boxed some books and then crashed around three. Just laid down for those forty minutes I'd missed at the first part of the day. Just succumbed to peaceful slumber instead of getting a good walk in before it started raining. I just didn't care anymore. I just wanted sleep. That's all I wanted for Christmas.
I woke up and drove my grandmother home right at rush hour.
Things got a little nicer when I made dinner for my folks. We had breaded cod, peas and rice, which I just remembered that I forgot to put a little hot sauce on. Phish will understand. Ever since Nissa broke up with me I always put a little hot sauce on my rice.
Look at me. The holidays have frazzled me so much I'm doing in jokes now.
After dinner I took a long long walk. Long walk. In the drizzle. That was nice.
When I came back I got a call from my brother. He supplied me with some brand new misgivings about how I'm toying with the idea of moving up there. He told me about how he's trying to change my father. He told me about some things he wants me to learn. I don't know. I'm really scared that if I move up there I'm going to become a project for him. But I really want to move out of this place before I turn 27.
But I don't need to make that decision tonight.
My folks and I also opened a few presents together tonight. It's our tradition to open one present each on Christmas Eve. I have no idea why. I got a very comfy looking t-shirt from my brother.
Right now I'm unwinding and feeling pretty good. It's gently raining outside. When I look out the back door, the neighbor's white hanging lights are shimmering in the puddle in my backyard. The Cambodians are having a party and they brought over some form of kebob that was tasty. I think it was chicken.
Right now I've got the Projekt Christmas albums on random on the stereo and the little blinking lights on the tree reflected on my computer screen and my glasses. It's a nice, calm night here. Now the trick is to keep that. Or maybe the trick is to just keep moving until the next peaceful moment.
One thing I'm proud of is that I didn't get depressed or have an anxiety attacks this year. I usually do sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas and it'll stick with me until after the new year. Last year it was so intense and so drawn out that I went into counseling. It seems to be one thing after another that should lead me to the conclusion that the global ship is sinking.
When I was out walking and I saw a kitty, a fat kitty, waddling across the street to get under a car and out of the drizzle. I went by the car and said what I always say when I see a kitty when I'm walking. I said, "Kitty!" Kitty looked out at me and I saw that somebody had tied a ribbon to kitty's tail. Kitty didn't look like kitty trusted me enough to have me take it off kitty's tail. So I kept walking and for a minute I thought about inhumanity. Then stopped thinking about that and I kept walking. I just kept walking.

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